Thursday, August 31, 2006

8:07 PM


hmmm...lets see if this blog can resurrect...oh well

deleted my last post. blasted photobucket. its 0013 and i haven't bathed. yay

a bit of faq today....

why am i always happy? have i ever been sad?

i hate it when ppl say 'u dont know how it feels, you've never been sad'

well, i wasn't always happy. there was a time i hated myself. my life, and i hated saturdays. saturdays were like execution day for me...every week. i hated christmas holidays. i'd rather be in school learning how to add. christmas holidays was like......christmas purgatory. i hated my voice. i hated my closest companion. and they all hated me.

what did i do to them? what did i do to deserve it? well, when some1 finds the answer tell me. though i'll probably get pissed and fight back. oh well. to me i'll win anyway.

it sucks to be left out. it sucks to have to entertain yourself coz no one will talk to u. it sucks to be the one left out when your out with a group of close friends. ya it sucks. those days suck. thank God it doesn't happen everyday.

but what if your around 7, 8, 9. and everyweek your forced to be with a group of people who dont want to talk to u, or play with u. everyweek your with a group of people who plot to walk away and leave u alone behind your back.

what if ur so young, lets say your 7, your mind is still in wonder. and because your young and blur, u make mistakes. but what if the around you people hold grudges on you. just because of that one little mistake. they cant seem to forgive, coz ur not cute enough to give them that puppy dog look.

what if the people you loved deeply hated u. hated you because you were really not cute enough, hated you because they were afraid of being hated for showing the slightest bit of affection to you. hated you because they simply did not want to love u. and worse still, influenced people into disliking u further.

to cut it short, what if u were so ostracized, that everything u did was wrong. so ostracized that when u got something better, they'd sigh. so ostracised that they all left u and u got lost in the middle of nowhere, and when they found u, u get nothing but pissed looks and a scolding. so ostracized that u just had no more heart or self esteem to focus, and for that u were scolded. and no matter how badly u wanted to leave u cant. your forced to stay there and get spat at.

so ostracized that you hated yourself and your family.

so ostracised that even people who didn't know u hated u and just shunned you.

yup. that was me. and i was only 7, 8 ,9. how sucky it felt. i was only so young.

its not worth it feeling all that sadness. i never cried much. until....3 days ago. but ya...its not worth it. happiness is way better.

and if u say i wont understand what sadness is like, shut up. i got it worse than u